BONUS FUNNY QUotes

Funny quotes are great for bringing a bit of humor into our lives. They help to lighten the mood, they’re excellent for breaking the ice, and of course, they’re fun to share with friends. After all, as Victor Borge once said, “Laughter is the shortest distance between two people.”

Some of the most entertaining quotes, in our opinion, are those that are not only witty, but also wise — conveying some universal truth. Funny quotes about life, love, and friendship — those that we can relate to — are especially comical. Kurt Vonnegut once quipped, “The best jokes are dangerous, and dangerous because they are in some way truthful.”

In this list of 100 funny quotes worth laughing over, we’ve tried to include a zinger for everyone, whether it’s an insightful quotation, a silly saying, or an ironic wisecrack.

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1QUOTE

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did–in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.

 BOB MONKHOUSE

2QUOTE

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

 ELAYNE BOOSLER

3QUOTE

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.

 OSCAR WILDE

4QUOTE

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.

 MARK RUSSELL

5QUOTE

Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.

 ROBERT BLOCH

6QUOTE

First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.

 STEVE MARTIN

7QUOTE

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

 LANA TURNER

8QUOTE

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell “BINGO!”

 ANONYMOUS

9QUOTE

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.

 DAVE BARRY

10QUOTE

Dogs have masters. Cats have staff.

NEXT 10 (31-40)

1. "The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist."

   The Usual Suspects, 1995

   

   Photofest

   The line actually comes from 19th century French poet CharlesBaudelaire’s poetry collection Paris Spleen. In French it is, “La plus belle des ruses du diable est de vous persuader qu'il n'existe pas."
2. 39

   100

    

   "I'm as mad as hell, and I'm not going to take this anymore!"

   Network, 1976

   

   Photofest

   Network screenwriter Paddy Chayefsky originally envisioned Paul Newman in the the role that won Peter Finch an Oscar — the first to be given posthumously (the second went to Heath Ledger). Two months before the Academy Awards, Finch suffered a heart attack in the lobby of the Beverly Hills Hotel while waiting for a meeting with director SidneyLumet. 
3. 38

   100

    

   "You don't understand! I could've had class. I could've been a contender. I could've been somebody, instead of a bum, which is what I am."

   On the Waterfront, 1954

   

   Photofest

   Rod Steiger's reaction to this line was filmed without Brando present. Brando’s deal with the studio allowed him to leave at 4:00 every day to attend therapy to deal with the recent death of his mother.
4. 37

   100

    

   "Roads? Where we're going we don't need roads."

   Back to the Future, 1985

   

   Photofest

   One of two lines on this list that have been quoted in State of the Union addresses (see also: No. 32). "There is just no greater tribute you can get than have the president of the United States quote your movie, no matter what your politics are," says writer Bob Gale.
5. 36

   100

    

   "Fasten your seatbelts. It's going to be a bumpy night."

   All About Eve, 1950

   

   Photofest

   Despite holding the record for the most Academy Award nominations for a single film (14, tied with Titanic) and making nearly every list of the top 100 movies of all time, this is one of the most misquoted lines in movie history. Most say, “…It’s going to be a bumpy RIDE.
6. 35

   100

    

   "I love the smell of napalm in the morning."

   Apocalypse Now, 1979

   

   Photofest

   In the 37 years since the movie was released, this line has been parodied more than 50 times in other TV shows and movies, including Lizzie Maguire ("I love the smell of pop quizzes in the morning!") and MightyMorphin' Power Rangers: The Movie ("I love the smell of destruction in the evening!").
7. 34

   100

    

   "You've got to ask yourself one question: 'Do I feel lucky?' Well, do ya punk?"

   Dirty Harry, 1971

   

   Photofest

   Another misquote. Contrary to popular belief, Clint Eastwood never says, "Do you feel lucky, punk?"
8. 33

   100

    

   "Say hello to my little friend!"

   Scarface, 1983

   

   Photofest

   Al Pacino's M203 grenade launcher — which was custom-made for the film and later appeared in Predator — sold at an auction in November for $54,400.

    
9. 32

   100

    

   "Show me the money!"

   Jerry Maguire, 1996

   

   Photofest

   "The most surreal part of hearing the line reappear in the culture," writer-director Cameron Crowe tells THR about Cuba Gooding Jr.'s signature phrase, "was when George W. Bush and then Barack Obama both quoted it in their State of the Union speeches. When Obama said it, my mom called immediately: 'OK, you did it,' she said, 'you got Bush and Obama to agree about something.'"
10. 31

    100

     

    "Leave the gun. Take the cannoli."

    The Godfather, 1972

    

    Photofest

    Richard Castellano, who played Clemenza, ad-libbed "take thecannoli," riffing on an earlier scene where his character's wife asks him to pick up the dessert on his way home.